


Lightbringer and Godslayer - 30 Citan/Fei Drabble Vignettes

by AlterImpulse



Category: Xenogears
Genre: 30 Day OTP Challenge, Additional Warnings Apply, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, M/M, Multi, Not In Chronological Order, OTP Feels, Trigger And Content Warnings In Author Notes Per Chapter, Varied Subjects, Wordcount: 100, Wordcount: 3000 total, be careful, literally these drabbles cover everything so pay attention to the chapter warnings and notes, some may be cool to read for you and others not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 09:32:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16720809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlterImpulse/pseuds/AlterImpulse
Summary: 30 OTP drabble vignettes for Citan and Fei as lovers. Content and trigger warnings will be in author notes per chapter, as will any necessary notes or credits or other information. Each drabble is essentially self-contained and unconnected (e.g. they could all be happening in the same universe, or they could each be their own, your choice!), and chapters are in the order of the prompt list which will be posted in the first chapter. COMPLETED WORK.





	1. A Prisoner Of Battle

**Author's Note:**

> The following drabbles in this story will all be from the 30 Days Challenge, OTP Version. Here is a link to the full challenge, if you wish to do it for yourself! https://imgur.com/TSg1QrC
> 
> As mentioned in the tags and summary, these drabbles are not in chronological order and are self-contained vignettes. Author notes include trigger and content warnings for each 
> 
> TW/CW for chapter 1: canon-typical violence, imprisonment, war, violence, implied episode of dissociation. Set in the scene in game when Fei is captured and taken to Kislev.

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Fei guessed that something went wrong, he must have been overpowered, and Kislev’s forces taken him as an Aveh fighter - but, why was he still  _ alive, _ in prison in Nortune, with a bomb collar locked around his neck?

Time and conditions had their effect, but the photo still remained.

Fei pulled it from his few remaining personal effects to look at it. He needed to see it, to soothe the rising fear he felt, now that the adrenaline of battle had ebbed.

His and Citan’s pose in the camera’s frame, in Lahan, together, before everything.

_ I know you’ll save me. _


	2. Sweet Matcha Ice Cream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Food, eating, lactose? Honestly, this is probably the most pure, sweet fluff I could ever write between these two.

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“C’mon, share it with me! It’s too much for just me!” 

“Then why did you order it in the first place, Fei? If it is too much for you-“

“Because you need a treat too.” Fei put two straws in the thick, frothy beverage. “I even got it in green tea flavor.”

“You do know my weakness.” Citan leaned down to the table, closing his lips around the straw, then looked to see Fei doing the same with the other straw.

Somehow, that made the taste of green tea ice cream even better, to drink it looking into Fei’s eyes.

 

 


	3. Wake Up...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Biting, reference to dissociative identity disorder shifting/fantasy DID, couple in bed together, implied smuttiness, kissing.

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“Don’t make me wake up,” Fei mumbled, and rolled over in bed. “I’m tired.”

“ _You_ are tired? So am I, and I awakened because you bit me.” Citan grumbled. Being awakened with teeth in his shoulder, just would not do for any morning.

“ _I_ didn’t bite you!” Fei mumbled. 

“You were dreaming again?”  
  
“Until you woke me up! It was a really good dream, too.”

“Apparently so, but I needed my beauty sleep after last night. Was that not enough for you?”  
  
“It’s never enough.” Fei leaned up for a kiss. “And don’t tell me it is for you, either.” 


	4. Post-Apocalyptic Picnic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Post-apocalypse, bugs, mentions of war and destruction, references to past childhood poverty and coping strategies for that.
> 
> Post-canon setting after the ending.

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In childhood, there had been scavenging food or eating on the run from the stash he and his siblings had stolen. Then, there had been all the times of eating at campsites. 

 

Now, the world had an overpopulation of ants, flies, and, worst of all, roaches - lunch on a blanket on the ground just seemed  _ so _ disgusting and unaesthetic.

 

“And that’s why I brought a table for our picnic.” Fei smiled, and pointed Citan toward the table and chairs he had salvaged from the ruins of Bledavik, a picnic basket next to a flower vase.

 

“You know me too well.”


	5. Two Many Cooks...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: implied fire/explosion with no one being seriously harmed. Cooking failure. Possible toxic masculine gender roles if you read it that way, though I'm referencing canon where neither Fei nor Citan can cook anything edible.

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They were men of reason, of science.

One with all of the scientific education that Solaris, the Ethos, and Shevat all could provide, the other with his reincarnation as Kim up front, with all of the education Zeboim provided its top geneticists and updated on recent developments as much as he could be in their world. A recipe could not be that different from building a Gear or creating a nanomachine clone, could it?

Citan, and Fei, as Kim, stood over the smoking oven in his house, one holding the fire extinguisher.

“Which one of us is rebuilding the oven?”


	6. Gears On Ice?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Widowhood/spousal death. Canon apocalypse/end of the world as we know it. Jealousy. Angst. Sad feels all around, with a bittersweet twist.
> 
> Set near the end of the game, soon after the turn of the Gaetia Key and the destruction of the Gazel. Using the fanon that Yui died in Shevat's crash.

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They had a long journey back across the snow from Kadomony to the crashed site of what had once been Shevat.

 

Citan  _ had _ to put it all out of mind. Ramsus had failed to grab the Gaetia Key before its turn decimated the planet. His beloved Yui, was gone forever… and Fei, he seemed more devoted to Elly now, and that  _ hurt  _ that he wasn’t-

 

Then Xenogears’ arm reached out, its hand grabbing onto Fenrir’s, and he let himself lose himself for a moment - their Gears together, gliding over the snow and ice.

 

_ As if we are skating a ballet… _


	7. Wedding Sashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Spousal loss/widowhood, mention of blood/dead body/seeing one's spouse dead, remarriage, accepted marriage proposal, appropriation/twisting of Japanese cultural theme due to future setting, cutting of fabric with sword, character portrayed as bisexual.
> 
> Inspired by this art of Citan and Fei wearing the same sashes (yes, the latter may be Lacan, IDK, but Lacan and Fei seem far more similar than any of the other Fei incarnations, so it still does work) https://imgur.com/a/XoQqPQt

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Pink and purple sashes, part of the only possession Citan had from childhood - the family kimono from his late father’s belongings.

 

They missed some fabric, that given to Yui, with the words “Will you marry me?” 

 

For a moment, he  _ saw  _ those sashes: they looked so beautiful in her kimono, until that day he had seen them, tangled in the wreckage of Shevat, amidst blood and snow.

 

He cut the sashes once again, and enough remained to wrap the kimono around himself. Once again, he would say those words.

 

Fei grabbed the sashes, and threw his arms around him. “Yes!”


	8. Making It Fit...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Looks very NSFW and smutty but appearances can be deceiving. Sex humor.
> 
> Inspired by the Ikea Erotica trope...

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“If you put it in the hole like that, and just slowly wiggle it in it should work, right?”

“Oh, Fei, not like that! It is too tight there!”

“Maybe it’s just too big for your hole. Can you open up just a little more…”

“Here, put some more lubricant on it. Now just take it slow… that’s it, Fei, that’s perfect! Keep sliding it in like that! Back and forth!”

“It needs to go in a little deeper than that!”

 

“I am pushing as hard as I can, Fei! These cabinet panels are so difficult to get properly connected!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....and also inspired by the canon double entendres. HAHAHAHAHA. Gotcha.


	9. Everyone Grieves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Spousal loss/widowhood, grieving, canon-typical violence, end of the world, canon anti-religious themes, reference to man being afraid to cry in front of others but his lover. Intentional OOC. Implied attempt at polyshipping, though that could go badly.
> 
> Set post canon after the fall of Shevat.

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The slushy mix of rain and snow poured down around them, almost as if the planet itself cried for its ruination, at the hands of the weapons system so many had once called God.

 

Fei held the umbrella over Citan with one hand, and gently rubbed his back as he sobbed. Out here, alone with him, the only place he could get that emotional release he so needed.

 

“My Yui… this planet...was it all...all for nothing? And soon, you go too-“

 

“I won’t. I love Elly, but I have always loved you.” Fei whispered. “We’ll make it work.”


	10. Happy Days?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Alcohol use.
> 
> Crackfic for the "1950s Versions Of Them" prompt. Because there is no way to put these guys literally millennia before their canon. It would be like a caveman AU for a modern setting haha. So I decided that Solaris somehow liked the 1950s enough to keep the TV show "Happy Days" around as actual history. Because why not.

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An episode of _Happy Days_ played in the bar in Nortune, on the broken Homevision set in the corner.

Fei looked up from his beer. “You know, you remind me of that guy, Fonzie. If you had a leather jacket, rather than the kimono… who do I remind you of?”

“Mork.” The word came before Citan really thought of it, and he inwardly cursed himself for overconsuming.

“That alien guy! He’s so cool. Almost as cool as the Fonzie guy.” Fei smiled, not seeming to catch on, to Citan’s relief. “So we’d be Mork and Fonzie.”

“I _need_ another drink.”


	11. We Are All Bi Here (Except Sigurd, He's Gay)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Shameless employment of the Everyone Is Bi trope. Possible momentary fear of blackmail or homophobia before realizing neither exist, as this is cute fluff with everyone being completely okay.
> 
> Semi-meta inspired because Xenogears is so much slashbait under a temporally-necessary veil of comp het.

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“HOW did you get  _ that  _ ? ”

“I’m not a pirate for nothing. Besides, why should you be embarrassed! It’s really cute.” Bart looked at the picture on the table again. “Fei making bunny ears for you and kissing your neck-“

“Please give it back.” Citan hoped the blush didn’t show. Ostensibly, to the rest of them at this point, he and Fei were just friends. This would not do at all.

“There’s nothing to be shy about! Fei’s a good catch, Doc.” A smile and a slap on the back. “I like him too.”

“You too-“

“Which one of us  _ isn’t  _ ? ”


	12. Ballroom Blitz! (Stardew Valley Crossover)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: References to combat/war/catastrophe in the past per canon. Bittersweet happyish ending.
> 
> Crossover with Stardew Valley! What if after the end the distress call got the survivors rescued... by the denizens of the planet in Stardew Valley? And they are all in Zuzu City... I want to explore this more I think.

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Things seemed too normal for them, five years later, after that distress call connected and they had been brought to this planet, one of relative peace. 

They now lived peacefully in Zuzu City, a new life, a new world.

Yet there would always be reminders.

“Ballroom Dance. All Proceeds Supporting Survivors of Archer M24 Catastrophe,” Fei read off the flier. “We’re going!”

“Fei, you know I am not a dancer.”

“I’ll teach you! It’s not that different from fighting.” Fei reached for his hand. “Hold me like this, now step into deathblow stance, duck, but backwards! Now step toward me…”


	13. Stay With Me...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Reference to child soldiers/military academy. Reference to canon Nazi-inspired name of said military academy. Reference to modification of human bodies/immortality.
> 
> Fei just wants Citan to rest :) Set post canon.

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He always woke up early -  _ precisely, every morning at 0530 hours _ \- both out of routine, and that it had been drilled into him since his first day in Jugend at thirteen...

Fei snuggled against him. “Stay here with me,” he sleepily mumbled. “We don’t have anything that has to be-“

“Coffee. Breakfast. Checking the systems around here and reading-“

“Please? For me…” Fei kissed him, his arms loosely embracing him. “Sometimes, you just need to  _ rest _ . You’ve been working so much, and I’m afraid even your nanomachines will burn out.”

“The world cannot-“

“You need to take care of yourself.”


	14. Reminded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: References to torture. References to human experimentation. References to triggering. Depiction of a once oppressor being triggered instead of a victim being so (though he could have been a victim as well). Depiction of PTSD. Possible too easy forgiveness.
> 
> Because I wanted to explore PTSD from the side of someone who was both aggressor and victim. The incident being referenced is when Citan as Hyuga Ricdeau created the fusion gear experiment with Nikolai, and as reference to many of his other "experiments" when he was basically Solaris' answer to Mengele.

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He had been commenting on the failed special effects, the way the monster looked nothing like any of the  _ actual  _ monsters on the planet, when he suddenly froze, tensed, eyes wide and popcorn bucket dropped. “It is… that is… I-“

Fei knew too well. They all had those “things,” even Citan, and this seemed to be one of them. The imagery of a man fused into a Gear. He reached to turn off the screen. “I forgot this scene.”

“How… how could anyone forgive a man who has  _ done _ these things?”

“I don’t know,” Fei whispered. “I know I have.”


	15. Costume Contest!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Crossdressing.
> 
> Some cute fluff, as a palate cleanser after that last angsty drabble. Fei and Citan dress up for the Autumn Festival. Inspired by the crack official 4koma where Fei makes a really good princess. ;)

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Fei felt self-conscious there on the stage at the Autumn Festival: his hair in gold threaded braids and a tiara, wearing a soft fluffy pink dress with a lace pinafore.

“It is for morale, you know. First one of these since then.” Citan seemed equally awkward, as he fiddled with the thread on his most formal kimono, his hair down from its braid and long on his back. He finally settled for resting his hand on his sword’s hilt.

“And the costume contest winners are,” Margie said, as she walked to them, “Doc and Fei, as shogunate knight and princess!”


	16. Bonds Of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Canon typical violence.
> 
> Set in the final battles to the core of Deus/Yahweh System. Decided to do a Gear swap rather than a clothes swap. Idea being that since Citan can pilot Weltall, he can also pilot Xenogears - that his love for and bond to Fei allows him to operate Contact-specific Gears.

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Citan blinked in surprise. Nothing about this felt right: Omnigears were paired to their owner. As far as he knew, only Fei and Ramsus could use any of them. Fei being able to fight in Fenrir made sense.

That he had immediately synced to Xenogears made absolutely no sense, though with a Seraph bearing down on him, he had little more time to think, as he quickly selected the most powerful attack and tore the creature apart.

“There’s more to us than we all thought,” Fei whispered, as they both disembarked to switch back to the Gears that were “theirs.”


	17. The Sadness Of Consciousness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS PROBABLY THE DARKEST DRABBLE HERE. It is spaced apart more for that reason, and HEED THESE WARNINGS. If you feel the need to skip this chapter PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do so. When I put this together about canon that it likely happened it literally almost made me nope out on the fandom, and the only reason I didn't is that there really was thankfully no redemption for Miang and Grahf. It is not explicitly written here, beyond a kiss, but it is mentioned so...
> 
> TW/CW: Underage depicted as abuse and not in any way approved of. Implied child sexual abuse. Implied grooming. Implied nonconsensual by any means kissing and implied offscreen sexual abuse. References to DID and how it is acquired. References to someone with DID being abused further as one of their alters. Reference to a canon bodysnatching event. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE THESE TRIGGERS!!!
> 
> Inspired by a post about someone with DID realizing that co-consciousness was the worst because they remembered the crimes and assaults and the like. I went off of that to assume that Fei must have some really deep regrets that his memories of kisses returned, and that he can't keep a good first kiss memory.

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There had been plenty of kisses, and now that he had the memories once locked away, they would return. 

Miang, as his mother, before he should have  _ ever _ been kissed as a lover. 

Grahf, as they had desperately sought some approximation of closeness, of satisfaction of needs that a mere kill no longer satisfied.

Fei wished they had never returned to his memory. That his first kiss could once again be one of love, of a friendship that had become, in that moment, so much more. When  _ he _ had kissed Citan, with all of the love he felt for him.


	18. The Fallen Seed Blossoms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for massive violence and planetary destruction as a result of badly depicted mental illness, and extreme codependent/fearful behavior on a partner’s behalf. Really dark piece.
> 
> What if Fei broke once more at the controls of Xenogears? What if Citan could not stop him... post canon and possibly one of the worst possible bad possible "post-ending ending" endings of Xenogears I can write.

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Id grinned. “Wasn’t that better than Etrenank?”

Citan stared ahead and blinked back tears.

“Was that enough to satisfy your curiosities once and for all? Now you’ve seen what an entire planet looks like when hit with a graviton-photon cannon… it shattered like a glass.”

With that, his body transformed back into that of Fei, slumped over the controls.

_ You killed them all. Everyone we knew, this time. You… can never be safe. Yet I cannot kill you. _ “Coordinates to land on nearest surviving settled planet,” Citan whispered, his voice raw from screams that had gone ignored. “Don’t look, Fei.”


	19. Think Of The Time (Mages)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Mention of past war/military work? I honestly don't see anything else here.
> 
> Back to something lighthearted and fluffy and funny. Fei and Citan are gaming together with Midori and Primera, and even the world's top military strategist can make a mistake. ;)

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“I think I do know more about tactical strategies. The best idea here would be to conserve our units. Put the knights there in back. Summoners to the sides. Ignore the time mages, and mop them up after.”

“Looks good to me.” Fei didn’t like the way Midori snickered to Primera as the battle on the small screen began, and said time mages cast haste, but the planet’s top actual military tactician was on his side…

As their knights went down one by one, their entire formation stun locked with Stop casts.

“How can I possibly lose a child’s game?”


	20. Pocky Kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Eating together, eating same piece of food, kissing, pocky game if that itself triggers you or grosses you out
> 
> Fei and Citan play the pocky game...

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Fei placed the cookie stick dipped in matcha icing between his lips.

“Some might consider that an invitation, Fei. Do you know what happens if I should take the last bite and you lose?”

The almost wicked grin around it and how Fei then held it in his now rolled tongue made him well aware Fei  _ wanted  _ to lose.

Citan nibbled at the icing, licked it, made a show of savoring the taste. One bite, two, and his lips were around that tongue as they shared one kiss, then another, then more, the cookies and “game” soon forgotten.

“Please, more.”

 


	21. An Old Etrenank Recipe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Food, GROSS food, married couple fighting, DID alter switching, insulting reference to canon genocidal event.
> 
> My fanon that inspired this is that I think Solaris cuisine (and by extension, Citan's cooking) is so gross not just due to the cannibalism, but I have this developed fanon concept that Solarian cuisine is very much "superclean mid century" 1930s-1970s food paired with the culinary "delights" of Jilly of the infamous salt explosive diarrhea juice. So no matter how smart he is, he's not going to make anything good starting from that.
> 
> A fight, over food. (Though Id probably wants to make it a literal food fight.)

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Their first fight as a married couple had been over fish. Fish, to be exact, boiled, chopped up, drenched in an egg sauce, mixed with unseasoned but for too much salt noodles, blended into an almost burnt casserole topped with boiled grapes.

“What the hell is  _ that _ ,” Fei mumbled.

“It is an old Etrenank recipe.” Citan seemed far too proud of the mix. “One of my favorites.”

“Wish I’d burned  _ that _ recipe down with the rest of the place,” Id snapped, before Fei could hold him back.

“I do not want to hear it.”

“I don’t want to  _ eat  _ it.”


	22. Wet And Hot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Wetness/water, water fight, water festival, questionably consensual voyeurism (e.g. whether Citan is showing off on purpose and why is your decision. My authorial intent is an absolutely consensual reading - Citan is knowingly showing off and being an exhibitionist in general so voyeurs are welcome and appreciated, but at the same time he is not doing it to specifically groom Fei. Your reading may differ.)
> 
> Also, Fei is 18 here per canon, as it is right before the events of the game.

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Fei had preferred to stand back and watch Lahan’s summer festival traditional water fight, but he had found his eyes fixed on one person among all of the villagers in various states of wet undress. 

His best friend, the man he still at that point had called “Doc,” as he took part, as he took off his soaked shirt and shook water droplets from his long hair, wet white trousers clinging to his strong body.

He wanted to see  _ more,  _ and only later, in the cool season as they shared their first bath and he  _ did _ , did he understand  _ why _ .


	23. Grab Your Cards And More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Gambling, cards, rage-inducing minigame, people falling on each other, consensual groping, implied smut starting, NSFWish.
> 
> Finally, that "running around for the cards" game gets fun.

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The cards were being thrown onto the floor, and unlike a usual game with one player, this person insisted on a two-player showdown. He and his friend scrambled to grab the cards, in the same moment that Citan and Fei ran to grab theirs.

Somehow, they had all tripped over each other and fallen into an undignified at best pile of scattered cards, and Citan looked up into Fei’s face.

“We lost the hand…”

“I don’t think we did,” Fei whispered, as he let his hand discreetly move under the kimono. “Would you like your prize back at the inn?”


	24. Citan Is NSFW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Insomnia, post-apocalyptic, survival, illness, hurt/comfort, ambiguously autistic character overcompensates on assuming lack of literality

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Wires sparked and burned.

“I should not have had that there,” Citan mumbled, sounding dazed, his words shaky and slow beyond the effect of a small shock.

“How long since you’ve slept,” Fei asked, as he hooked up the correct wires to power the distress signaling device.

“I do not know, but this must be done!”

“You are not safe for work.”

“Thank you very much, but I am not in the mood-“

“I did it, see? And I mean it literally. You aren’t safe working like this. Now, you go and sleep. We can make it one more day.”


	25. God Is Dead And We Killed Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Canon anti-religious themes. Going with the removal of the English censorship that turned Yahweh into Yabeh.
> 
> Did a bit of research here! It seems the planet in Xenogears is an object located in Archer M24, which is a small star cloud in the Sagittarius constellation. I went off of that to guess that M24 is the "asteroid belt"/near environment for it, which would make that sky look REALLY interesting. Likely almost permanently lit (unlike in canon where you have actual nights, the most you'd likely get would be permadusk with all of those stars) and the sky would literally be crowded with stars all over, with the Barnard nebula showing up as the only star-free spaces...? It's also interesting because if you think about it, Citan really overlaps with the star sign Sagittarius's attributes in mythology/astrology.
> 
> Edit: Fixed the cloud to butt problem

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They looked up into the sky. 

“So many stars,” Fei said, his fingers loosely curled around Citan’s hand. “The sky glitters.”

“We are in a star cloud, after which this planet is named. Messier Object Twenty-Four. If you look close, Altair. The furthest from us. The dark spots, the Barnard nebula. We are but a small speck of dust, just as Lost Jerusalem, in its asteroid belt and solar system, was.”

“Lost-“

“Earth. I hear the calamity that resulted in the Great Evacuation was similar. The weapons system, Deus, Yahweh…”

“We won, didn’t we?”

“Yes. The first time anyone has.”


	26. Ugly Sweaters, Still Warm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Mention of the "v____ killer" sweater, possible ableism if being grossed out by a 10,000 year old zombie in an armor suit is that?
> 
> I took my inspiration of the sweater with Cain and the words on it from this amazing fic - reading it now, around the holidays, makes me so happy. Thank you for writing an amazing story, tenshinokorin! https://archiveofourown.org/works/1516604 Go read it, seriously. And leave some likes and kudos there too. :)

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Citan laughed at the sweater Fei had pulled from the box, an open sided one with " _ kiss me under the mistletoe” _   splayed over the front. “What’s so funny?”

“In Etrenank we called those ‘virgin killer’ sweaters.” He pulled out a sweater vest with Emperor Cain in a Santa hat and the words “ _ til Nathus Cain Hanavath!” _

Fei snorted. “A virgin  _ keeper _ sweater.”

Citan looked down at himself. “That could be me in ten thousand more years. Would you not want me then?”

“I forgot.” Fei whispered. “Even if you end up like that… whoever I am, I’ll still love you.”

  
  



	27. An Angel With Three Wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Talk of kissing. Will add warnings if there is worse, but I think this is enough.

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“What was  _ your _ first kiss like,” Fei asked, as they laid there that night in the bunks on the Yggdrasil, and listened to the sounds of the sandcruiser around them. “You’re my first that I remember.”

“You saw him, up there on the bridge. Sigurd was my first. Not a very romantic kiss, that. Yui gave me my first ‘like in the movies’ kiss, I think.”

“She taught you well, I think.” Fei said. “Will you… again? If she wouldn’t mind?”

“Nothing says an angel must have only one wing.” Citan said, and brought his lips to Fei’s once again.


	28. Washing Off The Blood...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: discussion of sui/self-harm, people choosing to live, people who have done great wrongs in canon seeking to atone for said wrongs, immortality
> 
> Fei and Citan discuss immortality...

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“If you could die, would you?” Fei asked.

“Are you doing okay?” Seventy years, and a new planet, had given Citan enough psychological knowledge to fear such words.

“No, we’re okay,” Fei said. “I just wonder what we will be in another hundred, another thousand.”

“I would not.” Citan whispered, as he drew him into an embrace. “I will  _ need _ to live forever like Gaspar, to make up for the blood on these hands.”

“Me too. Could burn myself out. Re-enter the cycle. That would be too easy on Id though. So I’m here. Let’s wash off the blood together.”


	29. Drunken Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Alcohol use, drunkenness, drunken love confessions, angst, jealousy, polyship doesn't work here
> 
> Set post-canon immediately after the end of the canon. Citan's drunk, jealous, and at the end of his ability to keep anything back...

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The old karaoke machine salvaged from the ruins of Shevat barely worked, but that winter, they needed any morale boost they could get, and drunken karaoke seemed as good as any.

“We already sang Stars Of Tears four times,” Fei slurred, slumped over on Citan. “Next round, we gotta do something else.”

“Then what do you shuggest, Fei? Why did you inshist on this anyway? You don’t love me anymore, so why do you-“

“But I do! I always will!” Fei was himself drunkenly crying at this point, the karaoke machine forgotten for the drunken love confession.

“Leave Elly, then!”


	30. A Light Nap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Sex, if not the most explicit and filthy sex this time around. Age difference - 29 and 18 year old couple.
> 
> Another retake on that light nap in Kislev. I just love to keep rewriting that scene so much. It's kind of heavily implied they did it if you think of it, haha.
> 
> Last line is a direct quote from the OST song "Stars of Tears."

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“There is no turning back now.”

“I don’t  _ want _ to turn back.” Fei’s hands trembled on the kimono sashes and Citan’s on the armor belt. “I  _ need _ you. If we’re gonna be interfering in a  _ war _ , and fleeing both Aveh and Kislev, we may not have this…”

“Then we shall take full advantage of this bed, no?”

They had seen and felt the other’s bodies before, but  _ this _ time felt new, yet exhilarating, to cross that last line from friends who fooled around to the lovers’ bond in this borrowed bed...

_ The waves of time take me deeper into you... _

**Author's Note:**

> Real people don't shapeshift, and the great majority of people with DID or similar dissociative disorders are not violent like Fei's alter Id is. Here's links for real, researched info. Don't get your info on dissociation and DID from Xenogears, okay? :)
> 
> https://themighty.com/2017/10/how-to-help-dissociative-episode/
> 
> https://themighty.com/2016/10/what-dissociation-feels-like/
> 
> https://themighty.com/2016/06/self-care-tips-for-dissociation/
> 
> https://www.nami.org/learn-more/mental-health-conditions/dissociative-disorders
> 
> https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dissociative-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20355215
> 
> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments 
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism except for the sex :) . 
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
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